Owen Harper's AllYouCanEat Fluff Buffet
by badly-knitted
Summary: Nosy discovers the delights and otherwise of earth foods. This is the fifth story in the Nosy-Verse.


**Title:** Welcome To Owen Harper's All-You-Can-Eat Fluff Buffet

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Tosh, Owen, Mickey, Andy, Jack, Ianto, Nosy. Mention of Gwen

**Pairings:** Jack/Ianto, slight Tosh/Owen

**Rating:** PG-13

**Spoilers: **Don't think so. Set after Exit Wounds and Doctor Who, Journey's End, but everyone's still alive and the team has been expanded.

**Warnings:** Typical silliness, fluff etc.

**Word Count:** 4023

**Summary:** Nosy discovers the delights (and otherwise) of earth foods.

**Series:** Fifth in the Nosy-Verse, follows The Care And Feeding Of Alien Fluffs

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Torchwood, or any of the characters, but I do own Nosy.

**A/N:** This is for everyone who's reviewed or favourited, or otherwise told me how much they've enjoyed my recent fics - far too many of you now to list, but I want you to know how much you are all appreciated. Thank you, your enthusiasm for my fics - and for Nosy in particular - makes me want to keep writing. Hope you all enjoy this one.

Owen and Tosh were standing in the Hub's small kitchen area, surveying the spoils of Owen's shopping trip.

"What was the farmer's market like?" Tosh asked curiously.

"Packed! Couldn't even get near some stalls. You wouldn't believe some of the things that were on sale, stuff I'd never even heard of. I saw asparagus and artichokes – never seen them outside a fancy restaurant before." He glanced at Tosh quickly. "Maybe you could come with me to the next one. It's not all fruit and veg. There were tons of stalls selling homemade cakes and all kinds of chocolates, and I've never seen so many different types of sausages in my life! I would've bought some, but I was already so loaded I even had to leave some of the stuff I wanted to try Nosy with."

Tosh scanned the piles of fruit and veg. "That's hard to imagine. It looks to me like you bought everything they had."

"I left some of the bulkiest stuff – carrots, turnip, swede, corn on the cob… They even had whole pineapples! And sweet peppers too, in every colour you can imagine."

"Blue?" Tosh teased.

"Well, no. Okay, maybe not every colour. They had beetroot, but I don't think Ianto and Jack would be pleased if I turned the new pet purple. Not going to bother with potatoes either, they're not something I'd serve raw."

"Ugh, no." Tosh wrinkled her nose at the thought.

"I'll get the other stuff next time, there's another market in a couple of weeks."

"Okay. I'd love to go with you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Sounds like it would be fun! Best forget about the swede though, Jack seems to have developed an aversion to it. No idea why," she added at Owen's look, "but I don't think he'd be happy if we bought one into his home."

Owen shrugged. "Well, who doesn't have an aversion to swede? Not exactly gourmet dining, is it?"

"True," Tosh agreed with a grin.

"No swede then. Fine by me, less for me to carry!" Owen shuffled things around on the table a bit, spreading them out. "Okay then, time to see what our new friend likes to eat." He looked over at Nosy who was coiled in the entrance to the kitchen, watching them curiously and sniffing the air. "Do you think it looks hungry?"

"It's been running – well, slithering about chasing a ball for over an hour, must have worked up an appetite by now."

"Good. So, any suggestions on how to do this?"

"We should be systematic, handle it like a scientific experiment. I'll make a list of everything we've got, then you can offer the subject of the experiment a sample of each food in turn and I'll make notes."

"Good thinking."

Tosh hurried off to fetch a note pad and pen, while Owen laid all his purchases out on the kitchen worktop, then got out a knife and a cutting board. He knew Ianto would kill him if he made a mess of the polished surface.

It only took Tosh a few minutes to draw up a chart and list everything. She turned to Owen, "Right, I'm all set, let's get the food sampling started."

"Okay. We'll start with the easy stuff, the various greens. Just a small amount of each so we can test everything out. Once we know what it'll eat I can make up a feeding plan. Cabbage first. Nosy?"

Hearing its name, Nosy sat up. Well, as much as something the same basic shape as a snake is capable of sitting up, that is; it raised its front metre or so off the ground, looking alert and interested.

'Close enough to sitting up to merit the term,' thought Tosh. "Come here, Nosy," she called, and it slithered over 'sitting up' again in front of them.

Owen held out a bit of cabbage. "What d'you think of this?"

Nosy sniffed it, then took it carefully and ate it, though without noticeable enthusiasm.

"Oh," said Tosh.

"What's wrong?"

"I only charted for two responses – 'likes' and 'doesn't like'. That was somewhere in the middle."

"You could change your categories to 'yes', 'no' and 'maybe'," Owen suggested.

"That would work," Tosh agreed, quickly altering the headings in her notebook. "Okay, cabbage is a 'maybe'."

It turned out that spinach and kale were also in the 'maybe' category, but broccoli and cauliflower were both devoured enthusiastically enough to merit a yes, as was the rocket. Watercress was also a yes, so Tosh made a note to see if they could grow it in one of the new tanks set up for growing pond weeds. They were the same sort of thing, after all. Celery got a 'maybe' for the stalks and a 'yes' for the leaves.

"Going to be a fussy eater, are you?" Owen asked. Nosy just hummed noncommittally.

The real fun started with the sprouts. Owen offered one to Nosy, who tried to take it, but it slipped out of Owen's fingers onto the floor. Nosy spent the next several minutes chasing it around the floor as every time it tried to take a bite, the sprout shot away. It was finally cornered against Owen's shoe and eaten happily.

"Food and entertainment all in one," said Owen approvingly.

Cucumber got nibbled at briefly then pushed away, so that was a 'no', but the peas, complete with pods, and the various beans went in the 'yes' category.

Tomato? No. Nosy didn't seem to like the pips.

Owen was using the knife by now, cutting slices off various things and wiping the blade in between samples. He cut a slice from the next item and offered it to Nosy, who crunched on it happily for a moment. Then its eyes went wide and its fur stood on end. It swallowed fast, gave a squeaky sort of sneeze and slithered hastily to its water bowl, downing the contents in several huge gulps before slumping on the floor with a relieved sigh.

Owen frowned. "I guess that's a 'no'." He cut another slice and stuck it in his own mouth, chewing quickly. His eyes went wide and he dashed to the sink, stuck his head under the tap and gulped water. He turned back to Nosy.

"I see what you mean!"

Tosh cut a herself a slice, crunched it up, then cut another.

"Oh, that's good!"

Owen and Nosy stared at her incredulously.

"What? I like radishes. The hotter the better."

Owen shrugged. "You're welcome to them. At least they won't be wasted. Nosy and I have more discerning taste buds."

Tosh slapped him playfully.

"Ready for dessert?" Owen asked Nosy, "Take away the taste of that radish?"

Nosy hummed agreement and slithered back to Owen.

Apple, pear, peach, plum – all definitely yes. Strawberries? Yum! Grapes? A little tricky to get hold of, but worth the effort. Blueberries? Fiddly, but quite nice. Gooseberries? Nosy's eyes crossed, it fluffed up and shuddered from end to end, but it eagerly accepted a second – which unsurprisingly had the same effect. Melon wound up on the 'maybe' list. Owen thought that as it was relatively bland, it could be used to bulk up a fruit salad so Nosy didn't get too much of the richer fruits.

One fruit left. Owen peeled a banana and held it out. Nosy took one sniff and recoiled, wrinkling up its nose and seemingly shrinking to half its length.

"I think it's safe to say that's a no," Tosh stated.

Owen shrugged. "Waste not, want not," he said and ate it himself, washing his hands afterwards, not wanting to put Nosy off anything else if it didn't like the smell.

For the final course, there were the items from the heath food store. The nuts and seeds were greeted with enthusiasm, the dried apricots were enjoyed, but the prunes stuck Nosy's teeth together – though it did seem to like the taste. The cranberries were an instant favourite, making Nosy fairly vibrate with pleasure at the taste, and even the rice cakes, despite their bland flavour, seemed to meet with guarded approval, if only for their crunchiness.

Food tasting session over, Owen studied Nosy, who was now dozing in the middle of the floor. It seemed to have expanded somewhat during its meal. He nodded approval, then putting on an outrageous attempt at a French accent, he made a grand gesture and announced like a cheesy TV chef: "And zere you 'ave it – Stuffed Fluff!"

Tosh laughed. "It does look a bit stuffed. Do you think we overfed it?"

"Maybe a little, but not seriously I don't think. It doesn't seem uncomfortable, just full and sleepy. Probably best to give it smaller meals in future, spaced out. We don't know how long it was stuck out at the arse end of nowhere, grazing with the sheep, but what it was eating out there wasn't exactly nutritious, it probably needed to eat most of the time just to keep going. Now the food is plentiful and more nutritious, we'll need to make sure it gets plenty of exercise, otherwise we'll have a fat fluff on our hands."

"We'd better put all this food out of reach then," said Tosh, starting to gather things together. Owen came to help and between them they cleared everything away. Perishables went in the fridge, packets in a high cupboard, and everything else got hung up in bags, hopefully beyond Nosy's reach, or shoved on top of cupboards, out of almost everyone's reach unless they stood on a chair.

"It'll do for now I guess." Tosh looked thoughtfully at a couple of lower, seldom used cupboards. "I'll see about getting child locks for these, so we can use them store some of Nosy's provisions. It should be easy enough to buy some online, and I'm sure Ianto wouldn't mind fitting them." Tosh headed off towards her computer station, carefully stepping over the dozing fluff.

ooooo

Owen followed her a few minutes later, after refilling Nosy's water dish, just in time to nearly collide with Andy and Mickey, who were struggling along carrying a very large and heavy looking object swathed in plastic. He and Tosh must have been so engrossed in feeding Nosy that they hadn't even registered the cogwheel door alarm.

"Couldn't give us a hand here, could you?" gasped Andy breathlessly, "This thing weighs a ton!"

Owen was torn between watching them struggle and lending a hand, but as Tosh was nearby he decided he'd better help. She'd only give him an earful later if he didn't. He grabbed hold and the three of them staggered onwards, their unwieldy burden wobbling about between them.

"What the hell is this and where are we taking it?" he panted.

"New bed for the night duty room," Mickey answered, puffing hard.

The night duty room was a fairly recent addition to the Hub, added when Jack decided to expand the team. He and Ianto had converted a small room near the conference room, just off the main Hub to house whoever was on overnight duty. To one side of the door stood a computer desk and chair, the computer on it set up to alert the room's occupant to any night time Rift alerts, while tucked into the far corner was a battered old armchair with a small table beside it, holding a reading lamp. Against the wall between the computer desk and the armchair stood a bookcase, containing a selection of novels and an iPod dock for entertainment. The other wall was clear, the old army cot that had been passing for a bed since the room had been set up having been shoved out into the hallway earlier to make room for the new bed. Ianto had phoned Mickey from the shopping centre to let him know it would be delivered to the Tourist Centre after lunch.

"New bed? About time! That cot was killing my back," Owen grunted, helping to heft their burden through the door.

"You should worry," grumbled Mickey. "My feet hung off the end of the bloody thing."

"Mine too," Andy agreed, " Must've been designed for one of the Seven Dwarfs. Maybe it fell through the Rift from the land of fairytales."

Mickey snorted and shoved Andy good naturedly. "Come on, Happy, let's get the next bit. I want this bed assembled before Captain Cheesecake shows up and tries to help. Don't want it collapsing the first time someone tries to use it."

ooooo

It took them nearly half an hour to cart all the pieces across the Hub and into the night duty room, but they finally had everything in one place and the packaging removed. Owen picked up the instructions.

"Bunk beds? What do we need bunk beds for?"

"Ianto said something about the top bunk being for our new pet. Apparently it snuck down Jack's manhole last night and got in bed with them or something, didn't like being alone. So, whoever gets night duty in future also has to baby sit an overgrown bottle brush."

"Be nice to have the company," Andy said cheerfully.

"Good job it's your turn tonight then," Mickey grinned.

"It is, isn't it? I get to be first to sleep in the new bed!"

"Why d'you have to be so bloody cheerful about everything?" Owen grumbled.

"Why d'you have to be so grouchy? If I'm Happy, you must be Grumpy."

"No way! I'm the doctor around here, so that makes me Doc. Mickey's Grumpy."

Laughing and arguing amiably, they set about laying out all the parts, then started to put them together under Mickey's expert guidance. It turned out he was a whiz at putting together furniture of all kinds.

"Okay, if Andy's Happy, you're Doc and I'm Grumpy – which I ain't admitting to, but I'll go with it for now – who are the other four?" Mickey asked Owen.

Owen gave it some thought as he worked. "Tosh is Bashful, obviously. Gwen's sleepy 'cause she nods off at her desk. That leaves Sneezy and Dopey."

"Well Dopey is obvious," said Mickey.

They all looked at each other and chorused, "Jack!" before falling about laughing.

A soft slithering noise from the doorway interrupted them, and they turned to see Nosy peering 'round the doorframe. It gave an enquiring hum.

"Hello there," Andy greeted it. He got up off the floor and went over to the door, dusting his trousers off as he went. Nosy slithered part way into the room, then stopped, scrunched up and sneezed. "Bless you. I think we've found our Sneezy!" Andy said over his shoulder to the others, bending down to make a fuss of Nosy.

Mickey frowned. "If the feather duster there is Sneezy, what's left for Ianto?"

Owen shrugged. "We've run out of Dwarfs, guess he'll have to be Snow White!"

"It fits!" Mickey said with a grin. "He's always cleaning the house and getting the food."

"Not to mention picking up the laundry," Andy added.

Owen chuckled. "I can just see the look on his face if we called him that." He paused, before adding, "Better not though, or we'll find ourselves on decaf for a month."

"Not risking that," Mickey agreed.

"We're pathetic," Owen sighed. "Teaboy's got us over a barrel, we're so addicted to his coffee we daren't do anything that might interfere with us getting our regular fix."

The others both nodded.

"It is very good though."

"Good?" Owen stared at Andy like he'd grown a second head. "It's bloody amazing! Makes everything else taste like mud."

Mickey clapped his hands together. "Come on, guys, let's get back to work, this bed's not gonna build itself while we're standing around extolling the virtues of Ianto's coffee."

Andy gave Nosy a final pat and told it, "You can watch, but you need to stay there out of the way, don't want you getting squashed."

Nosy obediently slithered backwards into the doorway, where it settled down to watch. Owen was always surprised that it could go backwards as easily as forwards, and made a mental note to study its abilities further when he had time. He'd been reading up on xenobiology for some time now – in his line of work it was essential and there was a fair amount in the archives on the subject – and Nosy was proving a fascinating subject for study. Besides, it would be a good excuse for spending time with the alien. He didn't want the rest of the team thinking he'd gone completely soft, he had a reputation to uphold.

ooooo

It didn't take the three men long to get the bed constructed and set in position against the wall. They worked well together – all of the team did. Jack may not be the world's greatest leader, but he knew people and had put together a team whose skills complemented each other. That's not to say there was never any friction between the team members – that would have been unnatural – but most of the time they all got along and any arguments were minor.

While they worked, Nosy mostly kept well out of the way, but it occasionally helped out, fetching tools that rolled out of reach and handing them back, much to everyone's amusement.

Standing back and dusting themselves off (which set Nosy sneezing again), they admired their handiwork. Mickey stepped forward and gave the frame a good shake. It didn't budge.

"Solid as a rock. Let's get the mattresses on, then stop for a beer."

There were general murmurs of approval from the other two.

Mattresses dragged in from the hallway, unwrapped and hauled into place, Andy sat on the bottom bunk and bounced experimentally.

"How does if feel?" asked Owen.

"Good. Not too hard. Why don't you try it for yourself?"

Owen sat beside Andy and bounced. "Nice. Not too soft either."

Mickey joined them, seating himself the other side of Andy, bouncing carefully. "Yeah, feels just right to me."

There was silence for a moment as they looked at each other, then they all burst out laughing. "This fairytale stuff is getting out of hand. Come on, time for that beer, then we should fetch the bedding, it's still up in the Tourist Centre. Ianto thought of everything."

"'Course he did," said Owen, "If there was an Olympic event for being organised, he'd take gold every time. I swear the man's brain is full of tiny filing cabinets with his every thought neatly catalogued and filed away so he can find it again at a moment's notice. He probably has a list of the lists he makes. In triplicate!"

Laughing at Owen's comments, they made their way back to the kitchen area with Nosy slinking along behind them. Mickey grabbed three beers from the fridge and opened them.

"Tosh," Andy called, "we're all having a well-deserved beer, do you want one?"

"Not a beer, but I'll have a soda if there is one."

Andy checked the fridge. "Coke or Sprite?"

"Sprite, please," Tosh replied, walking over to join them.

Andy handed her the bottle. "We've been putting together the new bed in the night duty room," he told her.

"Bunk beds," Owen added. "Nosy gets the top bunk and whoever's on duty has the bottom. Ianto's idea, apparently. You should come take a look when we take the bedding down."

"As long as you don't expect me to make the beds," Tosh replied.

"Shucks, foiled!" grinned Andy.

"Never crossed my mind!" Owen tried to look innocent, but it was Owen, so it didn't really work.

ooooo

As soon as they'd finished their drinks, the three men headed up to the Tourist Centre to collect the bedding. Tosh headed for the night duty room, Nosy at her heels, to test out the new bed before the others came back. Just as the three men had, she sat on the bottom bunk and bounced, but then she stretched out on the mattress with a sigh.

"Oh, this is really comfy," she told Nosy. "But how are you supposed to get into your bed?"

Nosy hummed enquiringly.

Tosh got up and reached one hand up to the top bunk, patting the mattress. "This is your bed," she explained to Nosy.

Nosy sat up and looked, then slithered to the ladder and squiggled its way up onto the top bunk. It tried to bounce like everyone else had, but because of its shape, it wasn't very good at it, so it gave up and just coiled up comfortably.

"Comfy?" Tosh asked.

It hummed approval.

Arriving back with all the bedding, Owen, Andy and Mickey dumped their loads on the floor and stared at Nosy.

"How'd it get up there?"

"Tosh shrugged. "The ladder. It just sort of squiggled its way up."

"Well, it can squiggle its way back down again so we can make up the beds," Owen said firmly.

Nosy took a bit of persuading, but finally did as it was told and slithered back to the floor.

In the end, they all helped make up the beds. Owen and Tosh took charge of the bottom bunk while Mickey and Andy dealt with the top. They looked very inviting once they were done.

"Beats that old cot by a country mile," said Andy, "Real luxury."

"You won't want to get up if there's a rift alert tonight," teased Tosh.

"At least I'll be well rested if the world decides to end on my watch. Still, can't stand around wishing it was bedtime already, no matter how tempting it looks. Work to do." Andy started gathering the plastic packaging, stuffing it into the bags the pillows and duvets came in.

ooooo

Once all the rubbish was bagged up, Andy and Mickey hauled it down to the incinerator for disposal, taking care to shut the door to the lower levels, so Nosy couldn't follow. Owen and Tosh headed back to the main Hub with Nosy, luring it away from its new bed with the promise of a game of fetch.

"You can throw your own balls this time," Tosh told Owen with a cheeky grin.

"Now that's a feat I'm not sure even Jack could accomplish," Owen joked in reply. "Speak of the devil," he added as the door from the garage opened and Jack struggled through, loaded down with shopping bags and followed by a less heavily laden Ianto, leaning on his cane. He'd had more than enough of walking, now all he wanted to do was collapse on the sofa and put his feet up, which is exactly what he did.

"Shopping was a success, I take it?" Owen continued, taking in the array of bags.

"Oh yeah," Jack beamed, dumping his bags on and around the coffee table. "Just you wait 'til we show you what we bought!" He was bouncing on the balls of his feet like an excited child.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "I don't know where you get the energy. I've about had it. Give me a few minutes to catch my breath and I'll make coffee while you fetch the rest of the bags."

"There's more?" asked Owen incredulously.

"Yep, a few more bags. It's not all for Nosy though. Did the beds arrive?"

"Ages ago. They're all set up and ready for use."

Ianto's eyebrows went up. "I'm impressed!"

"You should be, we worked bloody hard!" Mickey grumbled as he and Andy wandered over to join the gathering. Nosy was eying the piles of bags curiously.

Ianto heaved himself up off the sofa and limped towards the kitchen area, taking several of the bags with him.

"I'm going to make us all a coffee and get some ice for my knee," he announced. "When I get back, we'll see what Nosy thinks of its new toys. Give me a hand, Tosh?"

"Sure," Tosh said with a smile.

"Can't I help?" asked Jack.

"Thought you were fetching the rest of the bags?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

Ianto shook his head. "Grasshopper mind."

"I heard that," Jack called after him.

"You were meant to."

Jack grinned and headed off back to the garage, while the remaining team settled down to wait for the grand unveiling…

The End (for now)

A/N: Please review and tell me what you think - I was a bit unsure about some of this. Also, reviews make me write faster and I still need to start writing about Nosy and its new toys, which is a daunting task, so I need encouragement!


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